Light, Meet Edward
by Funky Bracelet Chick
Summary: Light hates Twilight. Ryuk likes apples. See how these two facts end in massacre. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Light's Problem With Twilight

**I'm aware that there are A LOT of scary Twilight fangirls out there who would love to rip off my face for writing this. **

**And you know, I don't really care. I'll retaliate with wicked sarcasm and all that other nice revenge-like stuff before you manage to kill me. When, and if, you manage to off me, I'll just come back from the dead and haunt your asses. You'll be eating a bowl of cereal one morning, and all of a sudden, my ghostly head will appear amongst your cornflakes. From there, I'll follow you around telling you things like how fat you are until you decide your life isn't worth it and kill yourself. So yeah, bugger off if you don't like it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Twilight or the Grinch quote I stuck in there. They belong to their respective authors and mangakas...and poets. So yeah. God only knows what twisted love quadrilaterals that would form if I _did_ own them.**

* * *

"Hey, Light, what's this?" Ryuk held up a book. The cover was black. A pair of pale hands, their nearly white skin contrasting with the background, held a vibrant red apple.

"_Twilight_," Light spat, a scowl forming on his face.

"Ah...What's it about? The cover looks kinda interesting...Maybe I'll read it."

Ryuk's inner monologue was something like this: _Apples apples apples! It has an apple on it! Apples! Yum! APPLES!_

"NO!" Light's reaction was instant, "You're not allowed to even touch the book ever again. Ever. Now put it down."

_What? But...but...it's APPLES! _

"What! But why?"

"Because, that book is all girls talk about these days. It's disgusting," He made a face at the offending piece of toilet paper...erm...book, "I would have gone Death Note on the character's asses by now if they weren't fictional."

And the funny thing was, he was completely serious. He was thinking about how to kill them all as seriously as he did with L.

Ryuk zoned out as he ranted for the next half hour or so.

When he zoned back in, Light was saying: "I mean, who's this damn Edward! He's too perfect! And shiny? Come _on_!"

"Wow, Light, you really hate the book that much?"

"YES! I should go kill the damn author right now!"

Then he got an idea! A wonderful idea! An awful idea! THE SHINIGAMI GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do!" Ryuk laughed in his throat.

"And what would that be?" Light snarled, his face twisting into an evil snarl.

Ryuk smiled evilly right back, "Weeeeelll, you know I'm a shinigami, right?"

Light looked at Ryuk like he was stupid. He did that a lot. Ryuk ignored this and continued.

"Did it ever occur to you that I can do more than what has to do with the Death Note?"

Light looked offended, "Of course it has!"

"Do you wanna kill all those characters?"

"Hell yes!"

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk. Good. Just remember that I'm only doing this for my own entertainment."

"Wha-" But he never finished his sentence, because everything went black.

* * *

When Light woke up, he was in a hospital bed. He shrieked a totally un-Kira-like shriek and bolted upright.

"Ah, you're awake. That's good. You've been out for quite some time now."

That voice. He knew that voice.

It was...it was...GODDAMN IT IT WAS CARLISLE! He knew it from the many _many_ times Sayu had watched the movie (291, to be exact.).

Of course, since he _is_ Kira, he didn't let his hatred even so much as effect his breathing pattern. That's why Carlisle didn't notice anything off kilter.

"Um...who're you? And where am I?" It was the sort of question anyone would expect to from someone in his position. Somehow, Ryuk must have put him into a universe where the _Twilight_ characters were real. That was the only explanation that made good sense.

This was his chance. He could kill off those infernal sparkly twats and, when he got back to his own universe, he would kill the author.

"I was hoping you would be able to answer that. My son found you passed out on our front porch."

"Really?"

"Yes. Any chance you know how you got there?"

Well...there wasn't any way he would tell him about Ryuk or the Death Note or anything.

The Death Note. Crap. Did it even come here with him?

"Just a friend pulling a prank. Ryuzaki does stupid things like this all the time. Hey, did I have a notebook on me by any chance?" _That's right. Blame it on L_, thought Light smugly.

"Actually, yes. I didn't let anyone read it, though. I'm all for respecting my patient's privacy."

And for that, Light was thankful. He had no idea how he would explain all the names and causes of deaths written in there.

"Do you have it with you?"

Carlisle pointed wordlessly to the table next to the bed.

"Oh. Thanks."

"No problem."

"Can I trouble you for a pen?" Light smiled genially. This was too easy.

"Of course," The vampire pulled a pen out of his breast pocket and handed it over.

"I-" Carlisle's pager started beeping.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go. I'll be back to check on you later."

He was out the door before Light could blink.

What an idiot.

Light got writing as soon as the door clicked shut.

_Carlisle Cullen_

_The Volturi decide they are annoyed with his way of life and send out a vampire army out to kill him within 3 days._

He wasn't stupid. He knew the plot. Nothing could kill these things except another vampire.

Hastily, he wrote the same fate for every other Cullen and that annoying Bella chick.

Then, just because he was evil like that, he wrote down the names of all the werewolves and anyone else he could remember, which was a lot. He _was_ a genius, after all. His memory was photographic.

Mike Newton died of a can falling on his head when he was stocking shelves. The impact was just strong enough to crack his skull open.

Jessica's nail polish remover caught on fire. She was trapped in her room and suffocated to death.

Jacob ate a bad hot dog. Werewolves, apparently, weren't as immune as everyone thought.

In a sick twist of chance, Tyler got run over by a van.

And now, since he'd written everyone's names down, all that was left to do was wait.

He wouldn't be able to go near that Edward guy, and staying away from Jasper would be smart, too.

But what about Alice? The little bitch would be able to see the Volturi coming and she'd probably know that he had something to do with it.

That's where the issues started popping up.

They probably already knew.

Light knew that Ryuk wouldn't even think of saving his ass.

He was stuck here, "Damn, Ryuk, you're gonna get me killed..."

"Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk. You're so funny Light."

Light's head snapped in the direction of the voice. Speak of the devil. There was Ryuk, floating in the doorway.

"You really think I'd stay behind and miss the show?"

"Now that I think about it, no."

"Exactly. And you really think that I'd let my favorite form of entertainment just get killed? You're stupider than you think."

Light bristled at the insult, but didn't call Ryuk on it. He could tell that he was about to get information and that, if interrupted, Ryuk might stop midway into his explanation. "What do you plan on doing?"

"Just watch."

Light watched, but nothing happened.

"Why aren't you doing anything?"

"Hyuk Hyuk. I already did. Look down."

Light looked down. He was transparent. The blanket that had covered him up until a few moments ago had slipped through his form.

Light held up a hand. He could see through it.

"Can other people see me?"

"Nope."

"Okay."

The room lapsed into complete silence, except for Light's occasional evil muttering.

"...So...what are you gonna do now, Light?" Ryuk was bored already.

"We're going to wait at the Cullen's house."

"Right."

And so, they set off to do that. Or at least, Light did, because we all know Ryuk is too damn lazy to do anything but sit and watch.

* * *

They almost didn't make it. By the time the elusive Cullen residence had been located, the Volturi squad had just arrived.

Light stood only a few feet away from the conversation, totally unnoticed.

"We are messengers of our lords Aro, Caius, and Marcus. We have come to rid the world of you."

The Cullen's immediately took on defensive stances. Judging by their reactions, this came as a surprise to them.

"What? Why?" Bella asked frantically, in her typical dumb brunette way.

"To be frank," a male vampire with golden spun hair answered, "They have grown tired you and your ways."

"That's a horrible reason!" she shot back. _Earth to Bella,_ Light thought, _They're vampires. They don't need a good reason._

But the opposing group didn't listen. Not like anyone expected them to in the first place. Instead, the leader, a female with caramel colored hair, said, "Go."

And go they did.

With a snarl, all twelve of the Volturi vampires launched themselves at the Cullens.

Bella, being the least experienced of the present vampires, couldn't even react as a rather hairy individual (for a vampire, that is) ripped her head off and proceeded to do the same to her various limbs.

When Edward saw this, he dove after Hairy Man in a rage, but just before he could rip his throat out, three other vampires grabbed him from behind, leaving his teeth clicking uselessly a mere centimeter away from their target. It was Edward's turn to be dismembered.

Alice and Jasper met a similar fate.

The whole time, Light watched with an amused expression on his face.

Ryuk looked at the carnage and back at Light and laughed. Humans sure were interesting.

* * *

**Mwahaha. I feel _much_ better after writing that. Light seems a bit out of character to me. I'm sorry if he seems that way to anyone else. T.T**


	2. The Return

_The whole time, Light watched with an amused expression on his face._

_Ryuk looked at the carnage and back at Light and laughed. Humans sure were interesting._

Ryuk looked around. He was bored...again. Once Light's vampire massacre was over, there was nothing left to do. Watching him laugh evilly over dead and burning bodies wasn't exactly what one would call entertaining.

"Light, I-"

"Mwahahahaha!"

"Light-"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"LIGHT!"

Light stopped cackling abruptly. Thank goodness. Ryuk's ears were beginning to bleed in the literal sense.

"What?" Only the slightest bit of snippiness slipped into his voice, but it was enough to tell that Light was extremely annoyed at being interrupted.

"I'm bored," Ruk stated simply.

"You want to leave." It wasn't a question. Light knew that Ryuk loved to rain on his parade. He wasn't called a genius for nothing, either. Foresight was what he was good at.

Ryuk grinned a grinny grin, which looked odd considering what his face looked like in the first place, "I sure do."

Light cast one last look at the vampire ashes and sighed, "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

Light blinked and missed it. One second he was standing among the Cullen's remains and the next he was in the exact position he had been in when things went black in the first place.

"So that's it?" he asked.

"Yup." Ryuk replied.

Light sat down and turned the news on. He wanted to know if his stint in the fictional world would have any affect on the real world.

The answer? Yes, it did have an affect. A big affect.

The first news channel he flipped to made that very obvious. It's not particularly hard to miss screaming newswomen.

"I'm Nicki Cran, reporting from a local bookstore, where angry Twilight fans have begun to amass."

Light stared. Wow. He knew the fangirls were a volitile, but this was a faster reaction than he expected.

"As you can undoubtably hear from your safe seats at home-" The newswoman winced as a brick flew through the air and nearly hit her face "-these angry fans mean business. Just listen to what they're saying." Nicki stopped trying to make herself heard over the rabid fangirls behind her.

"We want Edward back!"

"Screw Edward, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to kill my dear, beloved Jacob?"

"_Excuse _me? Jacob was never good for Bella!"

"And Edward _was_?"

"Of course!"

"You make me laugh, bitch."

"Oh, you didn't."

"I did."

The Team Edward girl snapped her fingers and imediately her friends were beside her, "Girl, hold my weave!"

Said weave was deposited into the waiting hands of Girl and the fight began.

As soon as the first bitch slap was thrown, a space in the middle of the crowd opened up. Both sides screamed for their team. Blood lust was everywhere.

The camera guy zoomed in on one particular girl. Her long black hair was all over the place and she screamed and jeered. Her pupils were dilated and the whites of her eyes were bloodshot.

In a nutshell, she looked like some insane serial killer who, after finally escaping from Happy Meadows Asylum, was finally reverting to her persona _before_ the anger meds. It was a rather creepy sight. It didn't help that everyone else there looked the same way. Imagine a hundred or so people like that and you have a pretty good image of what was going on. Multiply that by the fact that this was going on at nearly every book store in the world and there was reason for government concern.

Nicki came back on screen, "It's getting quite serious down here. The police are beginning to show up," this time, a cinder block somehow found itself flying through the air and clearing a war path towards her head. Nicki ducked and the cinder block missed her by the skins of her teeth.

In a rushed voice, she signed off, "This was Nicki Cran, reporting for CNN news. Back to you Chuck!"

The camera cut off very quickly, just in time to see someone running at Nicki with a fold-up chair in hand. Light silently wished her luck as the TV cut to a middle aged man sitting at one of those news caster desks. The caption below his worried face revealed him to be Chuck Cloudly.

"Well, you heard it first from our on-the-scene reporter, Nicki Cran. Let's hope that chair missed." He chuckled nervously. "That's it for tonight. See you next time folks."

The credits rolled and Light was just about to indulge in another round of evil laughter when Sayu came storming in.

"Did you hear what happened, Light?" she angrily asked him.

Light was pretty sure he knew what she was talking about, but decided to play innocent just in case.

"No, what?"

"Something's wrong with Twilight!"

"But I thought you loved that movie...?"

"I do! I mean, someone messed up all the books in the world to say that they're all killed by the Volturri! Isn't that terrible?"

Light coughed to cover up a snicker, "Of course it is, Sayu. Whatever shall the world do without Twilight?"

For once in her life, Sayu felt she had the right to look at Light and think he must be the single most idiotic person on this big green planet of ours.

"Riot, of course! That's where I'm going right now."

"R-riot?"

"Duh," and with that, Sayu stomped out. She had a pitchfork to go buy.

* * *

**Mwahahahaha! And you thought I wouldn't write another chapter, didn't you? Well, I did, so HA!**

**lol, anyway, I hope you all enjoy this one as much as the last. I thought about making it longer, but that just seemed like such a good place to stop. I'll try to make the next one longer!**

**Virtual cookies for those who review!**


	3. Chainsaw? Or Pitchfork?

Light stared at the door long after Sayu had made her angry way out of it. He had gotten the desired effects of killing the Cullens, but now his sister was involved. This, while humorous, still wasn't the best thing that could have resulted from this whole thing. The worst case scenario was his father making him follow his little sister to make sure she didn't get hurt.

This is exactly what he ended up doing.

Light snorted. Sayu may _look_ sweet an innocent (admittedly, she did have a certain charm about her that made people not want to hurt her), but she really was a devious girl at heart. She wasn't quite on par with a Shinigami, no one had _anything_ on Ryuk. An underling working her way up though the corporate ladder, though... That was a different story altogether. Sayu would tear them apart. His parents would be the only ones who thought she needed a babysitter of any sort, seeing as they were the only ones still deluded into thinking Sayu wasn't crazy.

He almost felt sorry for the poor soul she was going to buy that pitchfork from. That is, if she was even going to stick with the pitchfork idea. It was entirely possible that by the time she got to the hardware store she would have changed her mind and decided a chainsaw would be the more effective weapon. The girl had mad chainsaw skillz. That's right. With a 'z.'

Whenever they visited their relatives out in the country, Sayu was the one put on wood chopping duty. For a while, she had even considered going into the wooden statue business. She could have made a good living if Twilight hadn't made her change her life's aspiration to 'move to America and marry a vampire.'

"Aren't you going to follow her?" Ryuk asked. He was growing impatient. Again.

"Yes." Light said. Truthfully? It was the last thing he wanted to do, especially if she had already gotten her hands on that chainsaw.

Ryuk chuckled as he followed Light out the door.

* * *

Sayu was hopping mad. How could anyone do this to Twilight? Why would anyone want to ruin such a good book? The Cullens were perfect, for goodness sakes! Only perfect people got the privilege of sparkling. It was a right reserved for those who were so perfect they didn't need to breathe or sleep. Perfect people should be treated like the wonderful creatures they are by thinking obsessively about them! After all, obsession is the best form of flattery.

When she walked through the door of Joe's Hardware Depot, the man manning the cashier screeched a rather unmanly screech and ducked underneath the counter. A few moments later, he gathered up the courage to peer out at the store.

Ben was a cool dude. He treated his girlfriend right. He didn't litter. He volunteered at the local animal shelter. Sure he forgot to tip the waitress sometimes, but it's not like he made a habit of it. All in all, Ben was an alright guy.

He didn't believe in the saying that nice guys finish last until recently because he had gotten quite far in his life by being nice. Until today, that is. Enraged people of the female variety kept coming in to buy bladed gardening tools. Even worse, when they came up to the register, they hissed and spit at him to hurry up.

It seemed like more were always streaming through the doors, glaring at him like he had done something wrong. He had even had a pitchfork brandished at him earlier. All he had done was wish the woman a good day!

When Sayu walked through the door, it was the end of what he could handle. Given what you now know, it is easy to imagine the look of fear on his face when he found himself face to face with an enraged Sayu. She was the scariest he'd yet to see. It didn't help that Sayu was a regular at this particular store. She was always buying new chainsaw blades. A worrying thought, for sure.

Those few moments in hiding were shorter in Ben's head than in real life. He had actually been hiding a good 10 minutes, which was all the time Sayu needed to go through the store and buy a pitchfork. It wasn't a chainsaw, but somehow this change in pattern wasn't reassuring, not if the look on her face was to be trusted.

"H-how may I help you?" He stuttered out.

Sayu slammed her weapon of choice down onto the counter, "I'd like to make a purchase." Her left eye twitched.

"Yes, o-of course," As quickly as possible (Ben was, thankfully, a fast learner) the pitchfork was rung up. Ben thought he'd never be more thankful to see a customer go.

Until the next fangirl arrived. Shiori liked her pickaxes sharp.

* * *

Light trailed sulkily after Sayu. He hadn't followed her into the hardware store, for the sole reason that that was Sayu's home turf. Get caught in there and it was game over, man, GAME OVER!

The door opened with a deceptively cheerful _ding_ noise as Sayu walked out. That lucky doorbell… It had no idea what was going on and probably never would. But who would expect a doorbell to understand? Its job was to sound cheerful (annoyingly so) when the door opened, no matter what sort of doom walked in or out. Sayu didn't like the doorbell. It didn't know what Twilight was.

And so began Sayu's walk to the book store. Well, maybe it was more of a march. She stomped down on the cement as if she had a personal grudge against it. If she had just a little more body mass, the ground would have visibly shaken.

As it was, only the small woodland creatures could hear the noise.

It registered with the same sense as other natural disasters did. You know, things like volcanic eruptions and earthquakes. Needless to say, but being said anyway for comedic purposes, those furry little animals got the fuck off the sidewalk and Lord help the poor buggers who weren't able to in time. Sayu would have marched right over them and enjoyed their furry little sounds of pain.

At one point in her march, Sayu passed Shiori. Neither of them stopped to talk, but a quick, grim nod was exchanged between them. As members of the same team, they would be seeing each other again.

Light followed behind her at a safe distance. This was easier said than done. Wading through a sea of fleeing squirrels is a bit of a challenge. Squirrels have claws. He managed somehow, though. Just when Light was starting to wonder when they would get to wherever they were going, they arrived.

Light saw it: A roiling mass of fangirls in foul moods making their displeasure known to the world. Light almost wished he hadn't followed her, for this scene was truly what Hell must look like.

There was no blood. But what it lacked in blood it made up for in sheer insanity.

Not a single girl in attendance was without a madness written on her face. You couldn't look at any of them in the eyes without involuntarily shuddering.

Picket signs proclaiming allegiance to either Team Edward or Team Jacob were being waved around with frightening carelessness. They were exhibiting the same behavior of a flock of birds in their apparent ability to just _know_ where those signs would be and when. They moved as a whole to avoid them, and this gave the mob an almost eerie look. The sight of a very pissed off teenage girl dodging a picket sign or flying brick from behind without actually looking behind them would baffle scientists for years afterward.

Lights stared out into the chaotic crowd before him and his genius mind could come up with no thought more eloquent than _Oh, shit._

* * *

**I have no excuses. I am lazy. I wrote the first draft of this chapter soon after I posted the second one on a piece of lined paper in school...and I lost it. My soul was crushed, to be truthful. I found myself unable to muster up the motivation to do anything more than feel guilty about not writing anything. **

**Throw whatever blunt objects you want, I deserve it. I really am sorry. **

**That being said, I kind of feel bad for the poor soul who found my rough draft. It must have been one of the most confusing things they've ever read. Especially considering I write the weirdest things in the margin that have seemingly nothing to do with the actual story.**


End file.
